Decision, I can't take back....now.

My friend Kim is getting married today (for the second time.) But I'm not there. I actually have chosen to not be there. Many things leading up to it made me decide this, yet again. The ironic thing is that once again, I'll be spending most of the day with Trey while she is getting married, since he is in town for the weekend.

Kim and I, from first grade to high school were the best of friends. We did absolutely everything together. And when I wasn't at her house, she was at mine. I think that our parents were very glad when we each finally got our licenses because then they wouldn't have to take us places.

But then I moved to Bellingham and she moved to Spokane. And yes, we still talked often - it wasn't as often as before and we started to drift apart and grow into other people.

She met someone and fell head over heels for him. They moved in together and even decided to buy a house. Her family loved him, but I did not. There was just something about him, that I just did not like. Also, one of the times we were hanging out over a Christmas I got so angry with him that I yelled at him. And those who know me, know that I really don't yell at people. Well maybe now I do, but then I definitely did not. He would make these side remarks in Spanish about her and since Kim, even though we had been friends all those years, still was super rusty with her Spanish and didn't always catch them or understand what he meant. So long story short - he cheated on her. At this point they were now engaged. She called me crying and told me everything that happened and perhaps I shouldn't have been as honest as I was, but I told her exactly how I felt about him. We then didn't talk for about a month.

I went on a spring break road trip and when I got back there was an e-mail in my inbox and a wedding invitation in my mailbox. She had gone from being engaged and not having any wedding plans, to having an entire wedding in a month. A wedding that, even though I was invited to - I wasn't even a part of. I was so hurt. It still hurts, I'm not going to lie. When someone you've been best friends with since first grade - doesn't even ask you to be a part of their wedding, it's a bit devastating. (I know me telling her how I really felt had everything to do with it.) We had been "planning" our weddings since we were like 10! So needless, to say I didn't attend. And no it wasn't because she didn't ask me to be a part of it, but because also I would feel like a hypocrite attending the wedding.

And after not talking for about a year, she called to tell me she was having a baby. Shortly after Paige was born, she filed for divorce. Sadly, a month after the divorce was final, he also passed away.

Fast-forward to today. We still talk, but it's not like we used to. We are both in such different spaces and places in our lives. She has a little boy too with the man she is marrying today. (Who I still have never met - although thanks to FB, I've seen a picture.) And this time, when she got engaged I was excited we talked lots of wedding plans initially and then - nothing. And then in April she texted me for my address. A friend was throwing her a shower and she really wanted me to go - I never got the invite. And then again, I didn't get the invite until after the RSVP was due. And after a long FB message from her about how she wished I would be at her wedding and that she really wanted me in her life, I still decided I wouldn't go. My excuse - it's commencement weekend and it's the only weekend that I have to work.

So while I wish her well....I wonder if not going was actually the right decision.